


Things You Shouldn’t Do In a Virtual World

by FanWriter83



Category: Sword Art Online
Genre: Funny short one shots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2019-01-24
Packaged: 2019-08-23 23:39:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16628699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanWriter83/pseuds/FanWriter83
Summary: You can do so many other things in a virtual world beside fighting, and that is what Kirito will show his friends. Sadly, they don’t always appreciate it.





	1. Sword Practice [Aincrad]

Kirito lies lazily in the grass, emitting heavy sighs as he stared at the leafs of the tree above his head. They move slightly in the soft afternoon breeze. He’s been stuck in the game for two months now, and so far the days looked pretty much the same. Get up early in the morning, eat breakfast, (if you’re lucky and have cooking skills) gear up, investigate floors (alone or with your guild), then defeat the boss that’s guarding the next floor. Each day, week, month was like a boring, endless circle.

Klein, lying lazily next to Kirito, heard the latter’s sigh and sighed even deeper.

Kirito flopped over with another, more deeper sigh then rested his head onto his arms and closed his eyes with a heavy grunt.

“Okay, that’s it! What is the matter with you two?!” Agil asked then sat up and threw a glare at his two friends from ruining his nap in the afternoon sun.

Kirito opened his eyes then wailed, dramatically; “I am bored, and Asuna refuses to make more cronuts, so I am hungry too! Seriously, how is possible for 30 cronuts to disappear in just three minutes? I only had two.” Kirito pouted.

Agil rolled his eyes then said; “You know, we can always join the clearing team.”  Kirito shot a dirty glare at the older man then stood up, slowly, and dragged himself towards the small stoned wall that separated the streets from the patch of grass they were on, emitting heavy sighs as he went. Behind him, Klein merely shrugged then pulled out a cronut from his pocket and licked the glaze off, slowly.

“Clearing floors is what we did yesterday, Agil. It’s what we’ve been doing for two months now!” Kirito didn’t bother to hide the frustration in his voice as he watched the pedestrians and other players stroll by.

“Well, floors don’t clear themselves, you know,” Agil retorted back, stealing glances at Klein who took out another cronut from his pocket and licked the glace. The older man shook his head, disapprovingly.

Kirito didn’t reply, just kept watching people walk by, doing the same things they did the previous day. Like clockwork, Liz walked by with fresh bread from the bakery and waved at Kirito as a form of greeting. Not that the latter noticed it. He was too distracted when the idea that started to form inside his head.

“You are right, Agil, floors don’t clear themselves.” Kirito turned around to face his friends. Klein quickly hid his third cronut behind his back. Kirito didn’t take notice of it and asked; “But that doesn’t mean we want something else for a change, right? I might know something that can pull us out of this rut!”

Watching the black swordsman dash away, Agil shook his head, tiredly, and muttered; “I rather want you to find a way that can pull us out of this freaking world, alive.” 

“Give the guy a break, will yah? After all, he’s still a little kid compared to you,” Klein grinned then gulped down his third cronut. Agil threw a murderous glare at the red haired cronut thief.

* * *

 

“Wouldn’t the streets be a much more safer place to do this?” Agil asked, scanning his eyes around the very spot they were standing, the castle court yard. There better be no guards around, or worse…Agil gulped; “You don’t think Heathcliff is home, do you?”

“Yeah, this is not something I want to get arrested for,” Klein chimed in, looking at the muffin in his hand then slowly moved it to his mouth to eat it.

Kirito smiled; “Don’t worry, guys. Asuna told me this morning the place would be empty, all day. Heathcliff is out with the clearing party and wouldn’t be back before nightfall.  Anyway, Klein stop eating those muffins and go stand there.”

Watching Klein stagger with the basket of muffins to the spot Kirito demanded him to stand, Agil muttered; “I doubt Heathcliff will leave the place, unguarded.” He scanned his eyes around for a second time. Still no guard to be seen, but he couldn’t get rid of that eerie feeling. The same eerie feeling you have when you know something bad is about to happen.

Kirito ignored the general store owner and walked across the court yard then turned around, thirty feet away from Klein. With a smirk, Kirito starts to stand parallel with his friend then unsheathes the Dark Repulser and said, full of confident; “Ready whenever you are!”

After glancing briefly at the pastry in his hand, pondering if he really should throw it or just eat it instead, Klein took in a deep breath and chucks the muffin at Kirito. The latter sees the baked item coming and swings his sword in defense. The blade didn’t chop the pastry in half, but made it fly a good fifty feet through the air before it flew inside the castle through one of the castle windows. Kirito puffed his chest, proudly. Klein turned pale, and Agil nearly fainted in shock.

“I knew this would happen! I knew something bad would happen! Why did I even listen to you? Why did I even get myself dragged into this?! You know what, I’m leaving!”

Agil turned around to make a quick exit, but was stopped by Kirito’s voice, saying; “I told you the place is empty, all day. There is nothing to be worried about.” Then, he turned to his red haired friend. “Klein, sent me another one.”

Waiting for Kirito to stand ready with his sword, Klein clutched another pastry into his hand then staggered back for the most perfect aim. Without a warning, he ran back forward and threw it towards the black haired swordsman, who saw the baked goody coming and smashed it with his sword. The pastry flew through the air then inside the castle through the window next to the one the first muffin went.

“Did you see that, Agil?” Kirito asked, beaming like the sun. The latter didn’t receive a reply because his friend already had left the court yard, for he didn’t want to be part of the antic anymore.

Just when the black haired swordsman wanted to ask his red haired friend to throw another one, a head poked outside the very window the second pastry went. The head belonged to Asuna, who was ordered to hold the ford while Heathcliff was away. While holding the remains of what was left of the pastry, the girl scanned the court yard until her eyes found Kirito and the Dark Repulser in his hand. She closed her eyes, took in a deep breath of air then shouted, angrily; “Kirito! You’ll have ten seconds!”

“Thanks, Asuna!” Kirito yelled over his shoulder as he and Klein takes off, running like the wind, with muffin basket and sword and all.

Ten seconds later, Agil witnessed a very infuriated Asuna chasing his two friends, swaying her sword like a mad woman.

“But Asuna, I only wanted to practice my sword fighting skills!” Kirito wailed frightened.

* * *

 

By the time Kirito finally succeeded to escape from the angry orange-brownish chestnut haired swords-woman, his butt cheeks weren’t quite happy with the result of her pointy sword. He dragged himself towards the patch of grass down the road where Agil and Klein were waiting for him, wincing painfully with every step he took.

“I told you the castle would never be left unguarded, but did you believe me? I hope you learned your lesson.”

Throwing a stink eye at his axe-fanatic friend first, Kirito tried to sit down in the patch of grass, but once he realized his butt was still too painful for it, he flopped down onto his stomach and rested his head onto his arms. After a short silence he sighed and said; “Good thing though she didn’t find out where I got the muffins from. I might have lost even more HP than I did now.”

“Just out of curiosity, where did you get them from?” Klein asked, taking a  muffin from his pocket then nibbled at it.

Kirito didn’t get a chance to reply, for Asuna’s voice already echoed through the entire town. The black haired boy quickly scrambled to his feet and bolted away as fast as his painful butt allowed him to.

“Yeah, you better run!” Asuna yelled as she came around the corner of the nearby bakery and saw Kirito flee away. She unsheathed her pointy sword and started the chase, screaming angrily; “I will make you pay for using my fresh made muffins!”

Kirito quickly climbed his way up in the first tree he found, hoping the angry swords-woman would give up the chase. Sadly, she didn’t. She decided to sit down and wait for him to come out. He had to, eventually.

 


	2. Salamander Drills [ALO]

Kirito grinned to himself. He had the most perfect plan, ever. All he needed was someone with some great acting skills. He looked around and saw Leafa. He looked around again, but saw no one. Oh well, if there are no better options, Leafa could work, right?

“Leafa, **just** the person I was looking for!” Kirito said and bowled towards her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder then pulled her into a nearby alley. After a quick explanation of his ‘genius’ idea, the Spriggan held his thumbs up and said; “You can do it, Leafa!”

Leafa rolled her eyes. Acting wasn’t one of her strongest points, and her brother slash cousin knew that. The only reason she went along was because he promised to help her out with her next mission.

Screaming in fear, the blonde fairy bursts inside the town’s café where her other friends sat, chatting and enjoying their virtual food and drinks. The youngest of the group, Silica, was the first one who looked up in alarm.

“Salamanders!” Leafa choked out breathlessly before anyone had the chance to ask what the reason of her fear was then grabbed at the table for support. “Oh, that poor YET very stupid Spriggan!”

“K-Kirito…” Silica stuttered worriedly. “W-what happened?”

“He thought he could fight them, but they were with too many!” Leafa replied, panic written on her face. Klein went for his weapon while Agil already had brandished his axe. The two male fairy warriors looked at the blond fairy who pointed at the door.

Without hesitation, Agil and Klein charged outside into the streets and spun around, back to back. Their eyes scanned the streets, looking for hostile Salamanders. All they saw were other fairies, who had stopped their casually strolls and gave the two warriors odd looks.

“No…Salamanders…?” Klein scratched his head for a moment then froze, just like Agil, when footsteps approached them. Both fairies hurl around, ready to attack when they realize it’s just Kirito, emitting from a nearby alley.

“Not bad, it only took you guys ten seconds to get outside,” the Spriggan said impressed as he looked at his watch. Then he tilted his head slightly and said, with a pout; “But I expected more emotions, you know. Those Salamanders **grabbed** me! The least thing you could do before charging out was shed a few tears, but no! I’m hugely disappointed in you guys.”

The Spriggan was surprised when he was met with glares of rage. A few seconds later he was running all around town with two angry fairy warriors hot on his trails.

"But guys! These Salamander drills can save lives, eventually!"

* * *

 

“LIZ, LIZ, LIIIIIZZZ!” Leafa’s green haired fairy friend, Rekon, came rushing across the town’s plaza as soon the pink haired Leprechaun had logged into Alfheim Online. His face was all red and he looked utterly exhausted. Not to mention, sweating profusely. Once the green haired fairy caught some of his breath, he cried out; “I couldn’t do anything! They were too fast and…

“Fast?! Who was fast?! What happened?!” Liz grabbed the boy with an aggressive hold and shook him like a ragdoll as she fired the questions at him.

“Salamanders!” the boy finally choked out, feeling intensely relieved the game had a pain absorber. Otherwise he would have had a couple of bruises by now. He took in another gulp of air then wailed; “Leafa! They caught her and took her to their hideout, to be forced into a marriage with their leader, who calls himself the King of Salamanders. Kirito tried to stop them, but there were too many, EVEN for him. They nearly killed him!”

Liz turned pale in shock then reached both hands out to the green haired fairy, ready to shake him again to get more answers, but the latter saw it coming and quickly replied before she had the chance to lay one finger on him; “He’s over there, in that alley! I told him to stay there, to get his HP back up while I looked for backup.”

The pink haired Leprechaun sprinted towards the alley Rekon pointed at and found Kirito, sitting against the alley wall. It looked like he had taken pretty much damage, caused by the enemy. His HP bar looked dangerous red.

“Liz, good you are here!” Kirito said, looking relieved as he tried to stand up. “Please, be quick! Go that way and you might have a chance to catch up with them. We have to take back Leafa before it’s too late.”

Liz saw Kirito’s eyes swim with tears then nodded confident. Without hesitation, she brandished her weapon and charged into the direction Kirito told her to go. No way she would let any of her friends being forced into marriage.

“You doing great, Liz!” Kirito yelled as he watched her run away, determined. “All you have to do is look for a group of Salamanders following a tall man with long white hair riding an elk! You can’t miss him! He calls himself Thranduil!”

Liz froze in her tracks, abruptly then slowly turned around to face Kirito. A murderous glow appeared in her eyes. The young Spriggan knew that was his cue to run, as fast as he could.

“Rekon, RUN!” Kirito yelled as soon as he exited the alley with Liz hot on his trail. Due to the lack of energy his avatar had left, Kirito wasn’t that fast as he usually was and yelled at the green haired fairy; “You seriously had to give me THAT MUCH damage?!”

“To be fair, it was YOU who told me to not hold back!” Rekon retorted back as he and Kirito fled from Liz. “Besides, how many times do I get the chance to beat up the most OP avatar in the game where he’s not fighting back? You can’t blame me from getting a bit too over-excited, right?”

Rekon did not receive a reply, because Liz had caught up with the Spriggan and now he was too busy begging her to spare the HP he had left. Though, she looked at him, merciless.

* * *

 

“AGIL!” Kirito ran towards his axe-wielding buddy, fear written all over his face and ‘take damage’ marks all over his body.”

The first Salamander drill still burned in his memory, the muscular man rolled his eyes then asked, coldly; “What is it this time, Kirito? More Salamanders trying to take over Alfheim?”

“NO! Worse!” Kirito gasped, hiding behind the big man. “Please, make sure she doesn’t find me.”

Agil frowned then opened his mouth to ask who ‘she’ was, but then saw Liz coming around the corner of one of the buildings across the street. Suddenly understanding everything, the big man smirked then waved at the pink haired Leprechaun; “Hey, are you looking for Kirito?!”

Liz halted her stride to look at her guild member then saw him step aside, revealing Kirito. The poor Spriggan’s eyes nearly dropped from his sockets then gasped; “Traitor,” before sprinting off, screaming in fear; "I said sorry, didn't I?!"

"Sorry is not enough, buddy!" the ex-blacksmith screamed as she pursued the Spriggan. "Now, come back so I can take those last 15% HP left!"

Kirito, as he ran, quickly opened the game options panel, logged out then pulled the device off his head, and sat up straight. It took five minutes before his heart went back to normal heartbeat rate and the player realized it was best to cancel all the other 'drills' he had planned. His friends obviously preferred going into battle with the Salamanders, unprepared. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if this kind of story will get any reads in this fandom, but if you like to read more crazy, funny Kirito shenanigans, just let me know by dropping comments or kudos :D


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